My ‘Almost’ Pregnancy

miscarriage my almost pregnancy

A Second Miscarriage, Explained as an ‘Almost’ Pregnancy

I was going to wait to write this post but writing is a way I express myself, it makes me better and so I just thought ‘stuff it’ I’m going to write it.

You may or may not have read that back in February I experienced my first miscarriage at 9 weeks. The fact that I went so long without any signs and still feeling pregnant made for a very emotional time when an ultrasound at 9 weeks found the baby had stopped growing and the heart had stopped beating.

Ever since that day I have been so nervous about falling pregnant again. I know that I will never again experience the joy and emotions that I had when I was pregnant with Elliott because at that point I never knew what it was like to miscarry, so I had no fear.

This month I had a positive pregnancy test on the 2nd of September which made me 4 weeks pregnant. I was happy because I tried to put aside what had happened 7 months earlier and decided it was a new start, but there was definitely something holding me back from being as excited as I was in my first and second pregnancies.

I did my usual things last week, working, groceries, cleaning, playgroup and everything felt normal. There were no obvious pregnancy symptoms but I was like that with Elliott.

Then it came to midday Thursday when I started to bleed and it continued heavier into the night.  I pushed my doctors appointment forward to to the next day (I was going to have my first appointment on the Monday).

Friday came and Mr. G kindly stayed home to be with me and Elliott. I went to the doctor but there really wasn’t much she could say or do apart from setting me up for blood tests to check my hormone levels and then have an ultrasound the next week once I was 6 weeks pregnant.  It was going to be a waiting game. I would have to have blood tests on the Friday and then more tests on the Monday at which point they’d get a better idea.

I desperately wanted to know what my hormone levels were and called the doctors late Friday, but the results hadn’t been checked by a doctor so I’d have to wait until Saturday. I called as soon as the doctor surgery opened but was left on hold for over 8 minutes which seemed like 80 minutes so I hung up, I just couldn’t take it.

I decided to take my Mum and Elliott out to a lovely Dutch cafe for lunch to keep my mind off the results and what was potentially happening. While we were enjoying our meal, the phone rang. The doctor was explaining the results to me while I hurriedly wrote them down on a paper napkin.

“Hi Eva. I’m calling regarding your pregnancy tests. The blood results show you are not pregnant and it seems like this is a case of an ‘almost’ pregnancy. Because you got a positive pregnancy test, what has likely happened is the embryo has formed to give you the positive but unfortunately it has not stuck properly. I will write it down as a miscarriage.”

I appreciated her approach during the phone call, she didn’t beat around the bush and just told it like it is. She asked if we were trying, I said yes and she responded with ‘well you were really close’. As much as I appreciated her sincerity, I keep thinking to myself ‘how many times can I handle being really close’? Having a miscarriage takes a huge toll not just emotionally but woah I felt it when my hormones dropped. It was the worst day I’ve had in a very long time and now that I look back on it, that’s exactly what was happening, my hormone levels were dropping and my moods took a huge hit to the point where I simply couldn’t cope at all and felt like I’d lost the plot.

To be quite honest with you, I feel different this time. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I wasn’t as far along as I was when I miscarried last time and that I didn’t have ultrasounds to see a little life forming.  Or perhaps it’s just because I haven’t had a chance to really absorb what has happened yet because the day after my miscarriage was confirmed I was hit by gastroenteritis! Talk about double bad luck.

And yes, there’s been a lot of self blame. The question of ‘why?’ keeps rolling through my head. Is it because my health is not right? Is it because I’m too busy and need to relax? Is it because I don’t exercise enough? Is it because I had bronchitis when I conceived and my body was struggling? Was it the antibiotics?  Questions that have all crossed my mind.

So just like last time, I do not have a wish to hurry and try again. One thing I do know is that I am so unbelievably lucky to have Elliott. He’s been getting a lot more hugs and kisses than usual.

 

Today I’m linking up with Jess for IBOT

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Eva Lewis (The Multitasking Woman)

Eva is the Editor and Owner of The Multitasking Woman - a lifestyle and parenting blog.She always has her fingers in many different pies but wouldn't have it any other way. Eva is a Mum to her 4-year-old son, 2 month old daughter, two chickens, one dog and a fish called Bob and a wife to Mr G. They all live happily in their little cottage on the outskirts of Brisbane.

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30 Comments

  1. Kathy www.yinyangmother.com
    September 16, 2014 / 6:31 am

    Oh Eva, hugs to you. Don’t blame yourself, try not to second-guess. XX

  2. Tarni
    September 16, 2014 / 7:37 am

    Hello you strong wonderful mamma you. I too suffer from “almost being pregnant syndrome” as I call it. I have a wonderful 7.5 yr old son who is brilliant

  3. Lucy @ Bake Play Smile
    September 16, 2014 / 7:46 am

    xxxx Sending lots and lots of love to you sweet lady xxx

  4. Katie O'Keefe
    September 16, 2014 / 8:00 am

    Oh Eva. Sending you so much love and so many hugs. xxoo

  5. September 16, 2014 / 10:48 am

    Oh sweetheart, I don’t know what to say to you as no words could explain what you are going through at this point in time. Just so you know all your blogging buddies are here for you and send so much love and support to you. xxxxx

  6. September 16, 2014 / 11:02 am

    Eva, this is so heart breaking. Thank you for being brave enough to share again about your loss, your baby! People can be so odd about miscarriages, and so frivolous with their “well-meaning” comments. The truth is that acknowledging your baby’s short life is very healing, and so is grieving. Lot’s of love to you!

  7. September 16, 2014 / 1:59 pm

    My heart breaks for you 🙁 I’m so sorry for both your losses. I have never had this happen to me but I can imagine it would be horrible and so emotionally draining. One of my friends recently went into very early labour and lost her little girl and one of my other friends told me last week that after bleeding and weeks on bed rest her waters broke and they are having to take it day by day. She is 4 months pregnant. So sad and all too common. Allow your self to be down and cry and go through the grieving process and you will come out strong in the end. Sending much positive energy your way. xxx

  8. Kaz @ MeltingMoments
    September 16, 2014 / 2:31 pm

    Oh Eva. What a heartbreaking time for you. I really am sorry. Medical professionals sometimes have such a blunt manner, don’t they. Keeping you in my thoughts hun x

  9. September 16, 2014 / 2:41 pm

    Oh I’m so sorry Eva. I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now.
    I’m sure none of it is your fault at all, so please don’t blame yourself. I’ll be praying for you. xxx

  10. Lara at This Charming Mum
    September 16, 2014 / 3:35 pm

    Oh, lots of love to you Eva. Sorry to hear that x

  11. September 16, 2014 / 5:19 pm

    Sorry to hear that Eva 🙁 Whatever you do don’t blame yourself. Little Elliott is so cute. He must be a tremendous comfort x

  12. September 16, 2014 / 5:29 pm

    Honestly reading this made my heart ache thinking of what you have had to go through. Hold that beautiful little boy close and find your strength in him. So sorry Eva !

  13. September 16, 2014 / 6:46 pm

    Non of it is your fault hun xx

  14. TeganMC
    September 16, 2014 / 7:52 pm

    I’m so sorry Eva. Sending you lots of love xx

  15. September 16, 2014 / 8:29 pm

    Oh hunny that is very sad. And I have to say that phone call was probably a bit harsh considering your history, maybe a gentle word to them so someone else doesn’t have to feel the way you did. Strength to you gorgeous one…. xx

  16. September 16, 2014 / 10:01 pm

    Sorry to hear this Eva. xx

  17. Lisa Berriman
    September 16, 2014 / 10:09 pm

    I have never heard of an almost pregnancy. I guess that would mean both of mine were those. It is really sad and I wish I could give you a big hug. Praying for a healthy little bubba that will stick and grow strong. xx

  18. Chantel
    September 16, 2014 / 10:59 pm

    Sorry for your loss. I have had 7 miscarriages, and have felt every emotion you describe. I’m fortunate I know why mine happen and it’s literally waiting for the right egg to drop. My second pregnancy gave us our amazing son and now my 9th pregnancy will give us our rainbow baby in 12 weeks time. I found I was questioning if I was allowed to feel the grief I felt each time – as they were all around 8 weeks, I’d get good 6 week hcg results, then viability scans at 8 weeks would show no heartbeat – and I was hearing of all these 2nd and 3rd trimester losses. But I have come to learn to own my feelings, go with and feel my grief and I got to a place where we could keep trying. Good luck in your journey, thank you for writing out loud about this and look after yourself xxxx

  19. September 16, 2014 / 11:46 pm

    A very very honest blog post. I am very sorry to read about your loss. x

  20. September 17, 2014 / 12:44 am

    Reading your post catapulted me back 21 years to my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. I went on to have 4 beautiful children but between each one I lost another to miscarriage and all losses were unexplained and under 10 weeks. I’m sorry for your loss, both of them. Thank you for sharing so boldly.

  21. September 17, 2014 / 10:50 am

    We knew it was possible at problogger didn’t we!! I am so sorry that it miscarried. This one sounds like my miscarriage. I am so sorry for you. I wish I could give you a hug. I am glad that you are coping with it better. I think it is a good sign that you are open to writing about it so soon. It shows that you are processing this better, you are more accepting. Please, ask me if you need anything. Hugs. xS

  22. Shermeen Ching
    September 17, 2014 / 8:31 pm

    I am sorry for your lost and reading it mad me tear. I know how horrible it feels because I have the same experience. Big virtual hugs to you. Take your time to grieve. Take your time to try again. GOD has all things planned for sure.

  23. Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me
    September 18, 2014 / 11:38 am

    Ahh Eva. I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m sending you massive virtual hugs. I hope you’re feeling a little better now xx

  24. September 18, 2014 / 12:39 pm

    Oh hon, I’m so sorry. It’s such a hard and awful thing to have to go through. Big big hugs. And thank you so much for talking about it. I hope it helps you and I’m sure it will help others as well. It’s such an awfully common thing, and often not mentioned because it happened early and the pregnancy hadn’t been announced yet. I don’t think people realise the silent devastation often occurring around them. xxx

  25. September 19, 2014 / 11:08 pm

    So sorry to hear this Eva. Sorry for both your losses. Sending you big hugs and thinking of you at this time x

  26. Lynne Childress
    September 22, 2014 / 3:19 am

    Thank you for sharing. Sending prayers for heart healing.

  27. Alicia-OneMotherHen
    September 30, 2014 / 8:01 am

    Hugs and love xx

  28. October 2, 2014 / 2:52 pm

    Sending much love and strength your way. My miscarriage was around 5 weeks so I know the feeling of it being hard to believe because it happened so fast. But the emotions are real and come in waves. You are a wonderful mother and it was nothing you did. xoxo