What’s the perfect number of children to have? Well how on earth am I supposed to know until I actually have that number of children? Is it just a gamble?
Fast forward a number of years and actually, I’m starting to feel more and more like one child is the perfect number for me. But my predicament is this, Mr. G wants another. Part of me does, part of me wonders what it would be like if I didn’t experience it all again, part of me wonders if I will be guilt stricken for the rest of my life never knowing child number two. I wonder how Elliott will go being an only child, the….of having only one child whirling around in my head. Up until now at three and a half years of age Elliott’s doing just fine, but I still think…what if?
I’ve been asked the question so many times since having Elliott, ‘when are you having your next one?’ Or ‘Are you having any more kids?’ Perhaps they think that I’m getting on in age and I need to be considering it…or else? To be perfectly honest with you, I’m getting a little over it. I have so many other things happening in my life. I keep finding myself just making up a response to keep them happy, whether it’s true or not. At this point in my life things are perfect, my little family unit, we’re renovating our house, I’m enjoying my work….I’m just happy doing what I’m doing.
What I want to know is, how do you know when you’re ready to have another baby? because I’m pretty well convinced that my mind is playing games with me, it keeps changing. I go from wanting another baby to not wanting one and then back again. I’ve even gone through moments of not ever wanting another baby and feeling perfectly happy to have only one child.
I know that part of my predicament comes down to the challenges I’ve faced that have created immense fears and self doubt. What if my horrid postnatal depression comes back? What happens if I have a fourth miscarriage. What happens if I just can’t cope? How will I manage my work, a baby and a pre-schooler? Of course it’s easy enough to say to give up work, but this is me I’m talking about….I just don’t find it that easy, my work is engrained in me, it’s what makes me, me.
This post is almost like a bit of a brain dump, all of my thoughts and feelings into one post. What I’m hoping is that someone who’s reading this can relate, someone who has gone through this same thought process can give me some pointers or tell me that my constant change of mind and self doubt is normal and that I’m not being selfish. Or am I the only one and I’m just a tad abnormal?
I never thought it would be this hard, just a natural progression of things, but it’s not. What is the perfect number….for me? I’m still trying to work that out.
Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT