A Second Miscarriage, Explained as an ‘Almost’ Pregnancy
I was going to wait to write this post but writing is a way I express myself, it makes me better and so I just thought ‘stuff it’ I’m going to write it.
You may or may not have read that back in February I experienced my first miscarriage at 9 weeks. The fact that I went so long without any signs and still feeling pregnant made for a very emotional time when an ultrasound at 9 weeks found the baby had stopped growing and the heart had stopped beating.
Ever since that day I have been so nervous about falling pregnant again. I know that I will never again experience the joy and emotions that I had when I was pregnant with Elliott because at that point I never knew what it was like to miscarry, so I had no fear.
This month I had a positive pregnancy test on the 2nd of September which made me 4 weeks pregnant. I was happy because I tried to put aside what had happened 7 months earlier and decided it was a new start, but there was definitely something holding me back from being as excited as I was in my first and second pregnancies.
I did my usual things last week, working, groceries, cleaning, playgroup and everything felt normal. There were no obvious pregnancy symptoms but I was like that with Elliott.
Then it came to midday Thursday when I started to bleed and it continued heavier into the night. I pushed my doctors appointment forward to to the next day (I was going to have my first appointment on the Monday).
Friday came and Mr. G kindly stayed home to be with me and Elliott. I went to the doctor but there really wasn’t much she could say or do apart from setting me up for blood tests to check my hormone levels and then have an ultrasound the next week once I was 6 weeks pregnant. It was going to be a waiting game. I would have to have blood tests on the Friday and then more tests on the Monday at which point they’d get a better idea.
I desperately wanted to know what my hormone levels were and called the doctors late Friday, but the results hadn’t been checked by a doctor so I’d have to wait until Saturday. I called as soon as the doctor surgery opened but was left on hold for over 8 minutes which seemed like 80 minutes so I hung up, I just couldn’t take it.
I decided to take my Mum and Elliott out to a lovely Dutch cafe for lunch to keep my mind off the results and what was potentially happening. While we were enjoying our meal, the phone rang. The doctor was explaining the results to me while I hurriedly wrote them down on a paper napkin.
“Hi Eva. I’m calling regarding your pregnancy tests. The blood results show you are not pregnant and it seems like this is a case of an ‘almost’ pregnancy. Because you got a positive pregnancy test, what has likely happened is the embryo has formed to give you the positive but unfortunately it has not stuck properly. I will write it down as a miscarriage.”
I appreciated her approach during the phone call, she didn’t beat around the bush and just told it like it is. She asked if we were trying, I said yes and she responded with ‘well you were really close’. As much as I appreciated her sincerity, I keep thinking to myself ‘how many times can I handle being really close’? Having a miscarriage takes a huge toll not just emotionally but woah I felt it when my hormones dropped. It was the worst day I’ve had in a very long time and now that I look back on it, that’s exactly what was happening, my hormone levels were dropping and my moods took a huge hit to the point where I simply couldn’t cope at all and felt like I’d lost the plot.
To be quite honest with you, I feel different this time. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I wasn’t as far along as I was when I miscarried last time and that I didn’t have ultrasounds to see a little life forming. Or perhaps it’s just because I haven’t had a chance to really absorb what has happened yet because the day after my miscarriage was confirmed I was hit by gastroenteritis! Talk about double bad luck.
And yes, there’s been a lot of self blame. The question of ‘why?’ keeps rolling through my head. Is it because my health is not right? Is it because I’m too busy and need to relax? Is it because I don’t exercise enough? Is it because I had bronchitis when I conceived and my body was struggling? Was it the antibiotics? Questions that have all crossed my mind.
So just like last time, I do not have a wish to hurry and try again. One thing I do know is that I am so unbelievably lucky to have Elliott. He’s been getting a lot more hugs and kisses than usual.
Today I’m linking up with Jess for IBOT