It’s been one month since I stopped posting on my blog’s Facebook page and writing blog posts, not because I didn’t want to but because life was just too hard, something had to give.
My bipolar and anxiety were giving me a good belting, they have been for this entire year which is why I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2018. But, in working with my doctors, I am feeling the best I’ve felt in over a year, I feel like a new person but, it’s been hard to get to this point.
15 months since my Bipolar diagnosis
It’s been a total of 15 months since being diagnosed with bipolar and around six months since being formally diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. This year has been long and arduous, trying to get medications right, dealing with extreme lows, debilitating anxiety, negative thoughts and severe medication withdrawals. There’s also been a huge learning curve, learning about myself and my mental illness.
I’ve experienced days on end waking up feeling so anxious I felt sick, where I’ve doubted myself, felt worthless, had zero self-confidence and have wanted to run away from my life. I was I was barely coping and very depressed. Tiny things would put me over the edge; my fuse was extremely short. I snapped easily and would raise my voice. I hated it. Energy was at an all-time low, I just couldn’t get motivated, and my work and blog suffered.
Life has been exhausting, most of this year I’ve been far from being happy and, as someone with high-functioning bipolar, I haven’t functioned out of choice, it’s been out of complete necessity to raise my family and maintain my work. Worst of all and the point where I was desperate for my medication to start working was when I self-harmed by hitting my head against a wall multiple times because my mind wouldn’t stop. During this episode I felt trapped with no hope or answers; I was in a state of confusion and intense sadness.
The reality is that it’s not that things have magically come good, it’s the medication that’s started to work. I’ve tried different medications, I’ve stopped different medications and I’ve tried different doses and finally, what I’m on now is working. My psychiatrist reminded me that when medication finally works for people with bipolar, it’s an amazing change but it’s important to stay on the medication. As I have done in the past, many people come off the meds believing they don’t need them because they feel ‘normal’. I know too well what happens after that. All the ugly stuff comes flooding back.
What will happen when I wake up?
With bipolar, there are days I can wake up feeling down and depressed for no reason at all, this could last for a week or more. There are days I can wake up feeling manic for no reason at all or, the odd days where I just feel ‘normal’. I never know when it’s going to happen, even if my plans involve doing something wonderful, I could still wake up feeling depressed.
But every day since experiencing this stage of ‘normal’, I intensely hope that it continues because it’s the longest I’ve felt this way. I still go to bed hoping like crazy that I’ll wake up feeling ‘normal’, again. I don’t think I’ve ever hoped for something so bad.
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