As I sat in my psychologists little room staring at her piles of psychology journals and floral couches, I wondered what we were going to talk about today. I wondered how much information I was going to divulge with her and if I’d get all emotional like I did during our last session, when the tissues needed to be pulled out.
But, in fact, this time it was more of an ‘ah ha’ or ‘light bulb’ session, I had learnt something valuable about myself and about others and it all revolved around brownies, well not the actual ones you eat (I wish it was) but, the points part.
I’ve always worried about what others think of me, for as long as I can remember. When I was working, before kids, I always put 110% into everything I did and if I do say so myself, I was good at what I did. But the problem was, I always felt like I was being taken advantage of. It always seemed to be a pattern in each job I held. I’d sort the shit out, find a better ways of doing things and, get results but, never felt like I was getting anywhere, never appreciated or recognised.
The same goes for every day life. The number of times I’ve done the right thing, I’ve been organised, I’ve planned, been a nice person only to experience the opposite from others, like they don’t hold as much importance. This really irks me.
I explained all of this to my psychologist and how it was a great source of anxiety for me, I always have high expectations of others, and that I expect to be treated like I treat others. BZZZZZ! *Insert Wrong Answer Buzzer Here*.
My psychologist explained it to me in layman’s terms that what I’d been doing is trying to save up a mental bank of brownie points from my efforts and just being ‘me’, in the hope to use these said brownie points for something in return, like a promotion or recognition. And this is where realisation struck, I was indeed using this points system and it just wasn’t going to work. I had to get over the fact that some people aren’t like me, some people don’t think like me, some people just take good work for what it is and leave it at that, some people don’t even notice and some people (and not all) just simply don’t care about anyone more but themselves and you know what, I’m now OK with that.
I know it sounds like a really simple analogy, but for some ridiculous reason when I think of it this way, it makes me re-think how I approach things. The key is to remove my expectations, just be myself and, do what is right for me. I’ve been much happier for it.